thank u 2018, next

2018 brought about many changes in my life. As I vowed at the end of 2017, I decided to wholeheartedly embrace my inner vulnerability in the new year, delving deeper than ever to be in touch with my emotional self. Whether that be in the relationships I created, or the ones I already had, there was always an emphasis I placed to really emotionally go “all-in” during 2018. And do I regret this? Well, no and yes.

I don’t regret this because in wholeheartedly living with my emotions on full-blast, I experienced some feelings I didn’t even know I had. The purest amounts of sheer happiness, to the darkest concerns and fears, all of these feelings only shallowly existed within myself prior to committing to such emotional vulnerability. I lived, I loved, but most importantly I learned so much more about myself and life in general (how cliche).

What I do regret, however, is where I directed my emotional vulnerability.

As I grow older, I’ve realized it is pertinent to categorize exactly where you want to expend your emotional energy to, since we do not have an infinite amount of such compassion, care, and love. And although my regrets may make me feel sad from time to time, or disappointed in myself, the biggest pill I have to swallow is being able to work past the emotions associated with repent.

I feel the need to repent for the way I humorously chose people to invest in and ignoring those who deserved it the most, for not walking away from unhealthy relationships or situations fast enough, or in contrast walking away too quickly from misreading an action or trend. All in all, repentance is the final step in the emotional cycle of beginnings and ends. And it stings the most.

As time goes by, I know I will not feel such raw or aching feelings, but for now the greatest thing I can do with my 2018 is to take it in stride, viewing it as a learning experience that will enumerably enable me to better my current and future self.

So here’s to 2019, here’s to not regretting the past, but utilizing it as a tool. Here’s to a year of improvement, of solely focusing on the current situation – instead of attempting to add to what’s perceived as places of emptiness or lack of fulfillment. Here’s to 2019, channeling your emotional energy in order to enable you to work, re-work, and eventually perfect your already full self.

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